I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
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Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Happy Halloween 🎃
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am