My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
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In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]