god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
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Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*