I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
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Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.