[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
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i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.