This gonna be me in 2 weeks
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I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through