If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
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Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
*pronounces woah like Noah*
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Match dot com, but for socks.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.