The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
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Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep