Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
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Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
😍😂🥰😂😍
‘I know a black person’
– White people
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.