The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.