You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
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I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀