i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
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me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles