Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
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date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
No regrets in 2018
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!