We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
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REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.