[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
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My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*