Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
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I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Whoa 😂
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.