“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
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All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)