when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
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Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.