2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
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WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.