All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
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You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.