3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
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Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
The Weeknd is back
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
my name if I was in the mob
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP