Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
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Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Admin smashed it 😂
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you