“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
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I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Yeah. This was me today.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.