catch me on valentine’s day like
You Might Also Like
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Miscakes
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle