You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
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I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
No, he would not have.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?