Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Dolls on drugs
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want