the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
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Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?