i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
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It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?