Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
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I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.