DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
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Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
They’re really bad with fonts.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*