For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
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The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?