neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
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A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
multitasking lunch
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.