“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
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I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
me doing my best
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.