Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
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Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.