2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
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I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert