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this independent good boy don’t need no human
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?