eating my hot dog hamburger style
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My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I think this cat is broken
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
water it, i dare you
when dads have a rap battle
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever