of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
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I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Don’t we all.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
it’s finally my moment to shine
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.