*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
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Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
what’s really going on
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake