The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
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respect
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Your secret is safeish with me
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.