NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
You Might Also Like
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Don’t make me out nice you.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.