“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
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Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.