Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
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If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.