Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
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Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
💻🤡
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
nature’s most graceful animal
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.