ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
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TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
#merica
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.