People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
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The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
goldfish mafia
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.