How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
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Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
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Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime