Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
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Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
This is my brand.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.