We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
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Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
*puts words between two asterisks*
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.