When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
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Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
waiting for halloween be like:
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists